It is the most “sinful” thing I have to say. For an incredibly long time I have struggled with cyclical bouts of intense apathy. I have always believed these bouts to be uprisings of sin within my flesh. Normally accompanied with excessive fatigue, I chastised the “laziness” that had gripped my flesh.
So I’d press on till the fog lifted just a little, but I’d quietly fear its return.
During these periods my thinking became even more cloudy than normal, even the simplest things slipped my mind. Out of frustration with my own memory problems I frequently joked that if I came down with Alzheimer’s disease, it would take five years for anyone to notice. It’s not funny.
I often reasoned in my spirit that if I only had more faith these things would go away! But they never did. Some days I sat in my office unable to so much as move and tried desperately as I called out to God to just wake me up!
He never did.
During these seasons I functioned only an act of sheer will. I was depressed. I asked my doctor for antidepressants tried them for a few months to no effect and gave up on them. Maybe I just needed to pray more.
So I continue doing what I had been trained to do by being a long distance runner. When it hurts you keep going, when you’re tired you keep going, believe the finish line is up there somewhere. Ignore the pain. Run! Just keep running. Don’t stop or you won’t continue. Life wasn’t a joyful journey, it was a painful slog through an endless festering swamp.
Then I lost my voice.
Losing my voice and discovering I had a thyroid problem is far from bad news. I’m seeing it as an answer to many many prayers. Hashimoto’s thyroiditis is an autoimmune disease in which the body attacks it’s own thyroid. This can cause the thyroid to cycle between high and low releases of it’s hormones. Sufferers of Hashi’s can cycle between hyper and hypo (high and low) thyroid symptoms.
The cycles weren’t sinful!
I’ve started reading about it, in fact I’m reading almost everything I can find. When I started looking at the list of common symptoms for Hashimoto’s thyroiditis I was astonished. It read like a list of my life. Depression, apathy, fatigue, brain fog, forgetfulness, and on the list went. How long have I been dealing with this?
Just finding the diagnosis doesn’t make everything better. I can still barely talk. I expect all of the other junk to continue its cycle. But at least my problem has a label and this time it isn’t sin.